She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
