you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
