living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
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My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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