He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
