I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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