so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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