just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize