I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
