If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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