Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You need a sexual gate keeper
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
