Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
