I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
