i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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