So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
