that's an acceptable place to lick
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
