Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
