I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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