i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sext me about skeletons
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
