You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
