you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
