I want to walk on stilts...naked
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
