I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
