Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
