Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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