apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
