in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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