I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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