things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
