Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
