Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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