You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
