cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
