I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
