i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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