Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
