God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I understand Curling. That high.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
