Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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