Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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