My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
