My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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