Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
