Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
