Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
