so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
