Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
