I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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