I think im going to throw up on grandma
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
