Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
