i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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