i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
