:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
