I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
