had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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