Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
