she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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