I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
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Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
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After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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