It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
