i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
