So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
